My Lowest Low

I hit a lull. I hit a spot so low in my life that I physically felt like everything I was doing in my life was in slow motion. I was going through the motions, day after day. I truly think that this life gives you what you need when you need it. I needed the low to get this high.

Throughout the past 6 months I have began turning my life around and putting myself in control again. Looking back I can see that I slipped into a dark and deep depression and I didn't know how the hell I was going to get out of it. I lost all fire when it came to fitness, I stopped making progress. I stopping pushing myself. I let some shitty people into my life, and I let them control my emotions and let me think badly about myself. I started to think, "Hey, I'm not good enough so why should I keep trying to better myself." This was the complete opposite mindset that I needed to have at this time.

I think that everything truly does happen for a reason. At the end of fall semester I decided things needed to change. I couldn't allow myself to shut people out and lock myself in my dark room anymore for days at a time. I couldn't allow myself to go through the motions a day longer. I had to get back to being the girl I fought like hell to become.

During Christmas break I really got my shit together. I spent days on end working on a positive mindset. However, I still found myself just in a cloud of sadness. I didn't even know why I was sad at this point. I just was. I came back to school a week early just to spend the week by myself. I spent the entire week by myself, going to the gym, and literally trying to get to know Hayley again. I don't know what I would have done if I wouldn't have taken this week to myself. Honestly, this probably saved me.

In the month to come, things just kept on getting better. As I started getting better and continued to find myself ---- the good things just kept coming. I know that God makes things extremely hard before they can get better... and I know this from experience.

I am truly the happiest I've ever been, and He has definitely placed some huge blessings in my life lately that I can never take for granted.

My fire is back.

I am back with the most motivation and drive I've had yet. I am ready to set some huge goals and smash the shit out of them. I want to be strong and conditioned, I am no longer worried about my body image necessarily. I know that I am healthy, and I need to fuel my body in order to have good lifts.

Oooookay, therapy seshhhh over.

buuuut - sidenote - i forgot how much i love to write and i'm going to keep y'all posted on fitness journey 2.0 bby.

much love,

hay